Most marriage breakdowns are due to financial stress

I was watching Losing Our Jobs In COVID-19: This Is Our Story | Make It Work and it makes me feel grateful that I have not been affected much, if at all.

I did not lose my job, in fact I changed jobs. I prefer working from home instead of working in office, as it gives me more time with my family. I probably spend lesser during this period of time (less eating out, much less travelling to office and no overseas trips).

In the video, Daryll (the Singaporean) have to work a full time job, and take on food delivery jobs after that. As a result, he cannot spend time with his family and newborn son. I shudder to think what I will do in the same shoes. In the video, I noted that he still gives his parents allowances. Well done!

When I got married, I was keenly aware that most marriage breakdowns are due to financial stress. I do not ever want to be in such a situation, therefore I am quite risk averse. Some examples are:

• When we were HDB hunting, we had put down the option fee for a HDB resale that we like. It cost $735K. I remembered telling J that if we bought this HDB, she will have to continue to work, which she was OK. We had just started working then, and there was no reason to think that we will decide J should stop working later if we have kids. However, I wanted her to have the option of not working, and in the end, we forfeited the option fee and bought a $516K HDB.
• I have resisted getting a car for a while, even though our income could afford it. Later on, when we have our eldest, I asked J if she prefers a car, or yearly overseas holiday. She chose the car and so we got one. We do not have to cut down our overseas holiday yet (thanks in part to COVID these 2 years), but the option is there.
• Putting our 3 kids in SparklesTots. The childcare fees for them in total is about $1K. When people comment that it must be very tough financially (3 kids), I always tell them my 3 kids probably have lower expenses than their 1/2 kids, especially if their kids are in more expensive childcares and enrichment classes.
• Having enrichment classes in the Community Club. I always try to find lessons that are available in the CC, so that the lessons are cheap. The kids are still exploring, and I do not find it logical to enroll in expensive enrichment classes. As such, when my kid(s) want to drop the classes, it does not bother me as the classes are affordable. If the kid really shows talent later, I will have more financial resources to support them.

I believe that when the parents are free from financial stress, they will be better parents. 

Jiayou, the rest who are struggling in this difficult period.

Giving to parents

To me, some expenses are fixed and giving to parents is considered one of them. Of course, if the parents doesn't want it (and one can confirm that they don't need it), one can skip it.

When J became a SAHM, I was adamant that contribution to her parents (aka my in-laws) should not stop or decrease. Our decision to let her leave her job should include her continuous contribution to her parents. It was only a few years later, upon repeated persuasion and confirmation by her parents that they don't need the money, that she stop.

Similarly, our FIRE target includes contribution to my parents. Me not earning a fixed income, doesn't mean my parents have to tighten their purse strings! By following the safe withdrawal rule (4%), I hope that I don't run out of money when I retire, so I can continue to contribute to them forever.

-H

Reducing Expenses

About 7 years ago, I was reading about taking mid career breaks (when one is still mobile and energetic) and remembered feeling that it makes sense. Apparently, I feel J needed a mid career break and convinced her to take a year off work (no pay leave) to explore her interests. She took up Amigurumi (knitting) and this was also the year that she became pregnant with our eldest. 

Both of us do not have expensive hobbies and thus I was roughly sure that my single income can 'carry' the family. I did not track expenses (too lazy, and we don't have expensive hobbies). But it was then that I started tracking our net worth regularly. I believed that when something is being tracked (i.e. net worth), it will grow as we will make decisions to influence it (whether subconsciously or not). 

I figured that at the end of 1 year (with me as sole breadwinner), if our net worth still increase, it means my single income can really 'carry' the family. After 1 year, our net worth did increase. 

Later on (5+ years ago), J left her job to stay home with our eldest kid. The previous experience demonstrated to me that we will be OK.

Nevertheless, I remembered cutting down on the below expenses. 

• She was paying around $8.5k annually for insurance. I was paying around $1.5k annually for mine. I cancelled all our life policies and converted us to term policies.
• I asked her to go lesser for her facials and massages.

5 years later, we are now a family of 5 (3 kids!) and inching closer to our FIRE (mine actually, since J is considered retired I guess) figure. Despite being a single income family, I am still tracking our net worth regularly and aiming to FIRE. With luck, I hope that I can reach FIRE by 2030.

-H